Cycle 8 - How I'm getting a more positive mindset along the way

30F, TTC since Dec '23.

Thought I'd share my story because I read many examples of panic as time passes. Maybe it helps some to read a different perspective.

For many years I'd been trying to get the circumstances right. First, I had to meet the right partner and build a steady long-term relationship with them. Second, I needed to be at a certain point in my career so that I could take the "blow" that having a baby would mean. Third, I wanted to have a home with a garden and a spare bedroom(s) for the baby(s).

Once I got all that in order, me and my partner were ready to try, but by then I had gotten incredibly stressed and anxious whether I had waited too long and put all this work in for nothing. I have taken medication in the past that I know has impacted my fertility to some degree or other (it is inconclusive) which contributed to a distrust towards my body's abilities. Having so many friends with baby's by now, and literally all of them have conceived so easily, made me incredibly tense to "succeed" within three months time, and if that failed, then at least within six months.

I had a massive breakdown at the six month mark which (when I recovered) also strangely set me free. It made me realize that we have such little control over the big events in our lives, that really the best things we can do is to lean in and appreciate the good we do receive. In my case, I have a healthy and able body, a loving partner, plenty of food on the table, life in a country at peace, etc. It also made me critically assess the feelings that were imposed on me by society/family -- why do I feel shame over the idea of not being able to conceive? Why do I think of conceiving in such binary terms of succeeding and failing? Why have I never pictured my life without kids, as if that is the only impactful way to lead a life?

Sure, I feel a primal urge to have a baby and I absolutely feel wired this way. I have so much love to give and I would love nothing more than to raise a mini person of me and my partner combined. I do want kids.

However, where did all my anxiety and stress in the first six months lead me to? Nothing but negative tests, a lot of pressure on the entire process and many, many tears. If anything, at least I can conclude that this approach has brought me nowhere and only caused me emotional pain. Until we can get extensive testing at the 1 year mark, all I can do is track my ovulation, time doing the deed correctly, and for both of us to eat and drink healthy and keep exercising moderately. The best gift I can give myself in this period is to be gentle towards my body, limit my exposure to people who can't seem to be able discuss anything other than motherhood or baby's, and to enjoy the liberties that being childfree offer me for as long as it may take. To keep calm, and to keep forgiving myself when I feel negative. It's OK. This approach will not change the eventual outcome, but it will make the journey towards any answers less draining.

It is precisely this introspection and questioning that I feel is missed when people conceive easily. The readiness and gratitude that I would feel if I were to conceive now rather than in those first six months is incomparable. At the same time I realize that although it would be painful and difficult to remain childless, it is not the end of the world: it is the end of a dream. I can still make new dreams. Life has never turned out the way I expected it to and it will still be worth living. Lean in.

This is not to invalidate anyone's very understandable range of emotions. Believe me, I’ve been there. Just sharing my story so far for whatever it's worth. Godspeed!