Triggered

Just wanted to quickly vent as I know many people can probably relate. My best friend hasn’t been a good friend lately. Had a TFMR this past November at 23 weeks for my first pregnancy ever. She’s probably only checked in twice since it’s happened. We went for breakfast once in December & in January, she planned a spa date which I thought was very sweet of her. I texted her the night before the spa day and she responds saying “sorry, I forgot to tell you I decided to volunteer tomorrow” with no follow up to reschedule (and I get it, A LOT of tragedy has happened in our city - I’m in LA). But tragedy has also happened in my personal life, and I didn’t want to sound selfish. I’ve reached out a few times to spend time together, but she’s always had plans & I can’t be completely mad at that.

After the loss, I feel like my perspective on things have shifted & I see future plans as either two things: 1) something to look forward to get out of the dark hole & finally have something to do, or 2) something I absolutely do not look forward to due to triggers and the anticipated mental preparation for it (ie baby showers, gender reveals, seeing someone you know is pregnant, etc). Last night, she texted me - not to check in, but to ask if we were going to a mutual friend’s baby shower today. For the record, this mutual friend of ours is not our close friend- we see them probably once every 3-5ish years. I don’t even have their number, that’s how distant we are from this expecting couple. We weren’t even invited, so for her to ask if we’re going is just confusing to me? Is it really that hard to understand what goes thru our minds after loss?? My husband and I both had a good cry about it last night since this weekend was supposed to be our baby shower & I was supposed to go on my leave this month. Sometimes I find myself making excuses for her like, “maybe she hasn’t reach out because she doesn’t know what to say?” Or maybe she doesn’t know she hasn’t been the friend I need?

I feel I’ve come a long way and have started my healing journey, but I’m just feeling really triggered. I haven’t responded & I just don’t know how to go about this.