Today was hard

Today was my first day back at work. For context, tfmr 7 weeks ago at 23 weeks.

It was such a bad day full of triggers, back to back from colleagues who weren’t aware that I’m not pregnant anymore - which I can’t really blame them since my team really respected my privacy. Some people went on about their days like nothing happened, while some admitted that they didn’t know what to say.. but I thought that was okay because that’s 100% better than what I was told by others:

“Oh my gosh, welcome back! You’re so small!” coworker proceeds to rub tummy

“Welcome back! So did you have your baby?!”

“You’re almost due!!! You can’t even tell, that’s amazing! Take it easy!” (As I wheeled my patient into the operating room, she said, “aww you’re pregnant?!” after she heard my coworker)

“It’s ok, another nurse I know lost her baby at 32 weeks. So sad. BUT she had 2 kids after so it’s all good!”

I cried too many times today. And I ugly cried the whole 30 minute drive back home. It hurts. My eyes hurt. Nothing at all could have prepared me for the pain I feel having to relive it all and the constant reminder that my baby is gone. Today has definitely been one of the hardest days since. It just feels like everyday will be like this forever. Do days like these ever get easier?