My rant.
Through my life I have struggled to put this to words.
When I was around 5 years old, I was raped by my Uncle.
I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy, I just want my story heard. I know I am not alone, and others stand remain silent.
My father was a drunk, who could blame him. He worked 12 hours a day, if not more, and spent weeks away from my brothers and I. He fought, and nearly killed his own brother for his disgusting crime.
My mother, became a narcissist, obsessed with keeping everything perfect, or atleast the illusion of it.
For many years, I struggled with hazy memories lurking in the back of my skull, sometimes flashing before my eyes, which frightened me. I didn't know if what I was seeing, or remembering was real.
Nobody told me, or attempted to, I figured it out myself after many years, at the age of sixteen and questioned my parents in a desperate way. My brother, and girlfriend was the only other in the world, who knew what I struggled with.
I asked my mother. She confirmed this, along with the fact he did it to my younger brother. My feelings of rage, and burning inside haven't stopped. I vividly see this man's death at my hands. For why? Not what he has done to me. But to my family, and to my brother.
He ruined our family, they never healed from that emotional scar. My parents and I fought, for many years. Have struggled with anger for many years, still do, getting better.
I don't like to be dramatic, but I tend to explode. I've hurt people in my life, and I make no excuses.
I've gotten addicted to THC to cope with these angry feelings, and kept my friend circle very small. Only around, two people. Haven't really quit since age 15, 24 now.
My closest friend, is my best friend from sixth grade. We've had many years of ups and downs, he had problems with cocaine and I eventually got involved with the -sale- of it.
He quit, and I quit selling it, don't feel proud, or great about it.
A friend of mine OD'd and died from using cocaine, nearly around the same time my grandfather died. I felt more for my friend, who I only sparsely knew, than my distant grandfather.
Regular work is problematic, my moods shift throughout the day, and my focus is varying. I did several manual labor jobs, but nearly every single time, end up with vivid daydreams of my own death. I suffer from some sort of agoraphobia, intertwined with a very paranoid nature.
Almost certain it's a form of PTSD. Onto the next point, of my girlfriend.
I love her with all of my heart, she tries her hardest. My girlfriend lived a rough life, was homeless in her teens, and basically her entire family struggles with cocaine/pill addictions.
Mostly anti-social, and so is she. People are hard to deal with, and scary at that.
She is the only one who doesn't use hard drugs, and her sister managed to have 5 kids, as a single mother.
These kids eventually ended up with at her father's house, along with her sister. They smoked crack, and cooked it while the babies and kids were there. From ages 0-8.
The CAS got involved, and took the kids. Now, my girlfriend wants to take in a newborn baby. I was nervous. I didn't want the responsibility.
But when I seen his little face, and he got here. I.. I couldn't help but want to help give him a better life. My parents failed me, and my girlfriends' did for her, her sister failed those kids.
I want to do my best. I'm not sure how, but I just wanted to say it aloud. Despite the medium, in the modern world, this is my 'yelling to the heavens'.