Does the borderline, and not the narcissist, get deeply upset from not appearing perfect to others outside the home?

I see it again and again the older she gets, but these hang ups were always present in her younger years as well, just not as pronounced. She can’t look like she has made a mistake, like she is flawed in human ways, to the outside world. If she does, she rages and it’s everyone else’s, aka the immediate family’s, fault.

I’ll never fully understand her..personality problems, but I still feel like I need clarity. She could have been such a great person all around if she had sought out healing in the right places. That ship sailed so long ago though, it feels..it IS, like she’s not here anymore. There’s a misperceiving, angry child with no willingness to understand, in her place. I know it’s because she’s still a child inside, with no adult emotional growth or functioning when it comes to those very close to her. I think the way she acts and reacts is all too complicated to be an additional layer of dementia or senility on top of her bpd though. I do know that the sight of her car isn’t supposed to strike fear in me, and the sound of her ringtone on someone’s phone isn’t supposed to make them sigh.

I’ve had a near death of a very close person to me taking place, ongoing, and she cares to an extent, as long as she can rage about other things, at me. It can’t just be that we can be worried and sad, and at rest, and do our best. Everything needs to be about her other “hang ups” and angers instead. She’s done this with other last days too. And no one can care about someone else while still caring about her too. It all makes me want to ask her deceased parents WTF they did to their kid to make her this way. She was hurt, and she’s hurting others as an adult, and herself.