How do you deal with the constant shame and depression?

I’m not sure where to start. There is really no good reason my husband and I have as much credit card debt as we do. We got an Amazon prime card around 6-7 years ago and used it sporadically and it stayed around 4-5k or so. We never really thought about it but of course we should have. We went through three years of infertility in 2019, then IVF and then had our first baby in 2022. We always kind of talked about getting rid of it but to be honest we were always financially comfortable and while it was important on paper we definitely didn’t make it a priority. We started using it more for little things for our baby like a wipes subscription, cleaning supplies subscription, dog and cat food subscription etc. Then I think when baby came, I had waited so long that I wanted whatever I wanted to get for her. Personalized stocking, babys first ornament. Nothing super extravagent but I was in sentimental mode and it all added up.

It started hanging out around the 10-12k mark but again neither one of us prioritized it. In January of 2024 my husband got a huge raise—from like 70k to 105-108k depending on overtime and call pay. It was very unexpected. We both are still in shock that he makes that much. I think then we just really stopped thinking about money or discussing it much at all (which was already a weakness of ours to begin with). We also paid for another IVF transfer in July. Then a million things one after another-plumbing broke in bathroom, huge car repairs at 3500+, ER bill for my daughter at 900+. Just life stuff. All the while we are able to pay for all of this stuff out of pocket thanks to his new big salary (yay) but still using the card for random little daily life stuff. Nothing exciting really.

I saw it reached $17,000 in October 2024 and while it made me sick I didn’t take immediate steps. Neither did he. I think that shows how much wiggle room we have financially which is a good thing but also clearly a bad thing. Over Christmas I looked and now it’s close to 22k.

I now have another baby due in March and I feel sick that we have let it balloon this much. The self hatred and loathing I feel are impossible to describe. I’m not sure why those other numbers felt worrisome for sure but didn’t quite trigger this reaction in me. I feel sick at night and can’t sleep well. I don’t enjoy being with my daughter as much bc I feel shame when I look at her. I feel like none of these feelings are going to go away until it’s gone which is obviously not going to happen overnight. Luckily we will not have to pay daycare for the second until about Nov 2025 due to my being off in the summer and his leave as well.

We finally had a long talk about it all. We have a GREAT relationship but we clearly admitted our financial talk and priorities are terrible. At least we are in this together. I'm basically going no spend and while he wasn’t ready to be quite as strict, we are both making the debt the priority. He’s also concerned about working towards 15k in savings which to me is besides the point right now but overall we are finally stopping using the card completely and paying it off. So I have a plan and I felt better in the moment but now I just feel sick again. I feel like it’s on my mind all the time and he’s worried about it for sure, but he’s able to compartmentalize. I’m just starting to feel like I’m not even going to enjoy my second child coming into the world

TL;DR I make 53,000 and my husband makes 105,000. We have $22,000 in credit card debt and 17,000 in student loans (which I am much less worried about for the moment, I have paid out that a over year in advance so cc is the priority). There is no big reason for this except extreme carelessness with typical life purchases/amazon subscriptions for convenience with baby, as well as perhaps some bigger purchase overuse of it when in the thick of infertility and IVF.

I don’t necessarily need tips or advice or any more shame for our situation. I want to know if it sounds feasible to be rid of the cc debt by Nov 2024 as well as how on earth to still find the joy in the life when all I feel is complete shame and like I’m just adding numbers in my head all the time. Therapy is not an option as I’m trying to save. I want to hear from people that make it out.

I just hate what we have done. I’ve always known about saving and not overusing credit cards and I can’t fathom why I got so stuck in this trap. Obviously infertility affected me and I think I just got in this mindset of we get what I want it when we want it bc so much else was hard, I didn’t have the space to think about it. That’s all I can think for our stupidity. And I think his new salary made us even more lax. I’m trying to just picture myself in 9-10 months or a year and how much better we will feel. I will take this as a huge lesson and growth for us, but in the thick of it I can’t feel any hope, and feel only that we've set ourselves back literally years.