Our Community’s Low Expectations Fathers

I (37F) grew up without a father. He lived 20-90 mins away from birth to 25. He made six-figures my whole life, remarried when I was young, and raised two older kids as a single dad prior to that.

I know that my mother put no pressure on him to be in my life. She didn’t ask for child support and he didn’t offer it. I can confidently count on 4 hands how many times I’ve ever seen this man. She raised me and my brother single as a nurse.

I have always felt pressure from those around me (mostly family) to reach out to him. “Have you called your dad?” “You should give him a call.”… comments like that as long as I can remember, most recently last week.

Because my mother made so little mention of him growing up, I truly didn’t miss him as a child. She didn’t talk good or bad about him. I didn’t start to question not having a dad until I graduated from college. I was out in the world, and watching my friends be supported by their parents in our early 20s, then become parents in our late 20s until today. I witnessed my male friends bending over backwards to see their kids from ended relationships, and dads take extreme interest in their daughter’s new job, future spouse and first home. My dad missed all of that, and that’s when my mind actually started to question… why?

This is the part where I should mention, I have a lot of white friends. There is a palpable and expressed level of vitriol that is expressed towards and about dead beat dads. It’s truly cultural. Sometimes, I think they’re overboard… I’m like “..Hey Dave, if you hate your dad, don’t I invite him to your wedding.” But no.. Dave invites his dad then tells everyone he’s a POS. To that, I cannot relate.

I can’t unsee how my white friends have held a hard line on the bare minimum of what fatherhood should look like. Child support isn’t fatherhood. No one said married, rich or healthy. But you have to show up. I’ve had white friends with dead beat dads… and the frankness which they speak about them is jarring. “He’s a failure. He’s a dead beat.” A similar convo with a black friend might go “he wasn’t in my life..” or “I didn’t know him well.” Like we’re saving room for grace. And to that, I suppose I can relate.

Let me be clear, I have no envy towards white culture or people. I’ve simply never witnessed that same community-level of shame towards black men when they neglect their children. Women? Absolutely. They’ll talk about you like a dog. But men? It’s not the same energy.

I’ve met MANY amazing black dads. MOST of my friends have amazing black dads and are amazing dads. All of my uncles are great black dads. My brother is a POS dad.

I’m not sure who said it, but there’s a “soft bigotry” in low expectations… I have to wonder if our community standards are low. IMO, Black women are shamed more for having a baby (unmarried) than is a man not raising the one he made.

But I digress. Thank you for listening. I’m going to the gym.