Lack of purpose as a SAHM…..

I’ve always seen moms who feel like being aSAHM makes them feel isolated and lacking of purpse….

But I’m struggling with the opposite…. I had 3 kids in 3 years. They were all planned. I love it. The only thing I had known I absolutely wanted from life, since I was like 8, was that I wanted to be a mom. It was my dream.

Now, my youngest is in 1st grade, and I feel this absolute hole that I cannot fill. I do not work due to health problems, and my inability to drive along with mild to moderate agoraphobia. (I’m getting better) And honestly, I don’t really have that desire to just work a job.

I’m struggling being home. And just being so USELESS in the sense that I have this intense need to nurture and care for someone. While my kids are at school, I feel like “what am I even here for” lol which is dramatic of course.

I’ve taken to collecting house plants because I can take care of them, nurture them, and watch them GROW and be happy and blossom into these beautiful things. And it actually has helped me during the day.

But that only takes up a fraction of my day. I find myself just fawning over them throughout the day.

It’s silly. And it bothers me because my kids won’t be here forever. They will move on and grow up and start their own families (or maybe just be themselves without marriage or kids. And explore the world or find a career they’re passionate about) and I will be here.

My whole life, I’ve always taken care of things. It’s what makes me happy and it’s fulfilling. My kids are amazing. I love watching them learn new things and become their own people. And that sort of pride and love and admiration is what I live for.

I will always have my kids and they will never stop growing and learning. But I won’t be present for all of these things forever. And that’s okay. Raising them to be independent and to stand on their own, strong and confident, is everything I want.

But when they are gone half the day, I’m counting down the hours until they come home, In this half depressed state. And these thought eat away at me….

Sometimes, I will babysit my toddler niece and it’s great! I get to watch her explore and grow. On these days, I don’t really have those negative feelings….

Something about kids just makes my heart feel so full. I have all these passionate and purposeful feelings.

Has anyone ever felt similar?? I don’t even know how I am suppose to navigate these changes in my life.

And I’m sure it doesn’t help, but we always wanted just one more kid. We have been trying for 2.5 years (and not trying but not preventing since my youngest was a year old) and I had a loss last April that was devastating. I’m questioning if maybe these feelings are stemming from that desire of wanting one more child to love and add to our family…. But idk….