I do not know if I’m an actual experiencer, but this is the one memory I have

Here’s the one thing that happened to me that I remember - I woke up in a daze, still half asleep, so it felt dreamlike. A very vague memory. But I had a faint sense that there was a very bright light behind me, like my room was illuminated (I was face down on my bed), and I felt what I can only describe as a sense of helpless resigned fear. I had a thought like “It’s time” - like it was time for a regular checkup I had no control over. Like I said, the most memorable thing is that surrendered sort of fear, like the big farmer’s in the barn and it’s my turn to go. I wanted to go back to sleep, and back to sleep I definitely went - quickly.

I’ve been extremely drawn to subreddits like this one (this one is very unique). The entire topic has been a huge interest of mine for years. I stargaze often and practice meditation, but also know I wouldn’t be ready yet if direct contact was made. So I sit on the sidelines more often, and watch and read from a distance, and work on myself (I have tons of fear & anxiety, very low vibrations most of the time). Really interested in this phenomenon though, as I’ve increasingly felt “different” and incompatible with society and people in general.

A bit of extra unecessary info if anyone is interested or can relate - When I’m around people these days, my body sort of zaps itself into a mini survival response. I become hypervigilant and feel like I leave my body a bit. I become incredibly aware of the other person, their mannerisms and reactions, and I feel like I’m “up in their business”. I try desperately to come back into myself and keep the boundaries up. I’m not really sure what my personality is, or who I am often. I lived in isolation for almost 3 years, so I’m certain I’m dealing with psychological effects of that. But I am drawn to the phenomenon now more than ever, as a result of life circumstance and challenges, and also what people would call a spiritual awakening (or the beginnings of one). I’m sure there’s some mental illness sprinkled in there too, but I’ve got a handle on it for the most part. This stuff is equal parts fascinating and terrifying, though I can’t shake the feeling that my life’s work might center around it in some way. Thanks for reading!