It hurts too much, I can't.

I live in a community and the house is shared with 6 people.

I am so broken.

I can't join them when they speak and laugh together. I can't have an active role in the community. I can't go out with them. I can't join when they all make the bonfire. I can't visit the houses of the other people in the community. All because of my autism.

Tonight they apparently all went to visit the former flatmate at her place and I was not invited. Which hurts so much but having been invited would have hurt more because I would have had to put myself through the humiliation of saying no, again.

I came back after 3 weeks, sent a message saying I was back and asking if anyone had seen my parcel, no one replied, they wrote about other stuff.

I live on edge hearing other people in the house and the constant presence of other people makes me feel...I don't have a word for it, just a really bad feeling.

Constant reminder of all that I am missing. Constant reminder of the person my autism does not allow me to be. I want SO bad to be able to join them and I can't. It's so easy for them. I feel utterly broken.

It's like having a wound that gets cut every day, like my soul is permanently bleeding and it bleeds in tears. I've been crying ever since I got here. I don't want to leave. But it's like I don't even live here. I'm like a ghost in the house and no one in the community knows me really. I cook in my room. I barely go downstairs. I don't want this kind of life and yet it's all that my fucking brain allows me. I am 28 I am trying not to kill myself before 30.

Words of support would be appreciated 😔 I'm so sad