Feeling like I failed

FTM to a gorgeous 9 month old little dumpling of cuteness. We had a rough start with him being admitted to NICU at less than one day old, resulting in separation and extreme PTSD on my part which has complicated into PND and probably what the books would call "maternal gatekeeping" meaning at times I have a hard time even letting Dad soothe him. Despite the rough start he has been EBF and co sleeps with me, but due to a chronic pain issue, my husband working insane hours and literally no family or friends support whatsoever I've reached a point of burn out and we've discussed at this point getting someone in 2-3 hours a week to babysit while I shower / get a coffee/ go to the dentist etc. The crux of the issue is though that I feel like I've failed. Since the initial separation which lasted only a few days of him being in NICU (albeit with me in a chair at his side 99% of the time) I've strived to follow attachment parenting to a tee and the idea of having someone not family or my husband looking after him has led me to feel like I've failed. Has anyone else experienced this? Please be gentle I'm feeling all the feelings :(