Need a Man’s Perspective: Am I Expecting Too Much or Is My Husband Failing as a Partner?

I (33F) have been married to my husband (38M) for four years, but we’ve been together much longer. Our marriage is completely sexless, emotionally disconnected, and full of resentment. I know I have my faults, but I’m struggling to see if I’m being unfair or if my frustrations are valid. I really want to hear from men:

Am I expecting too much from my husband, or is he not stepping up as a partner?

Context & My Husband’s Role • He doesn’t work full-time and hasn’t in a long time. I work a full-time, demanding job, and I cover most of our bills while still handling the majority of household/parenting responsibilities. • My father has had to step in financially multiple times to help with rent and necessities, which is beyond humiliating at this point. • He claims he’s struggling to find work, but he doesn’t aggressively seek opportunities or take initiative to improve himself (no trade school, side hustle, or serious efforts). • When I voice my frustrations, he shuts down, deflects, or plays the victim. He makes me feel like I’m just cold, ungrateful, and impossible to please.

Where I Know I Have Faults • I don’t show affection. Our marriage is sexless, and I own that. I feel emotionally disconnected, and intimacy feels impossible because of how much resentment I carry. • I’m critical. I have a hard time being impressed by small efforts because I feel like he’s only doing the bare minimum, and I don’t always acknowledge when he does contribute. • I don’t want to spend time with him. I avoid him, not because I hate him, but because every interaction feels draining or frustrating. I don’t feel emotionally safe with him. • I’m impatient with our kids (especially our daughter) because I feel like I have to do everything myself while he enables laziness and inconsistency in discipline.

Why I’m at a Breaking Point • He tells me I’m the reason he can’t be great—that my lack of affection, criticism, and high expectations hold him back. • He uses religion manipulatively—he suddenly got “serious” about faith only after I said I wanted to separate. He now speaks to me like he knows God better than I do, but I spent years begging him to go to church and be a leader. • His mother enables him and paints me as the problem, despite knowing he’s never truly carried the financial or emotional weight of our home. • I’m exhausted trying to be the leader, provider, and emotional rock while being told I’m cold and unloving.

At this point, I don’t know if I’m right to feel done with this or if I’ve been too hard on him and need to change my approach. I know men face their own struggles and insecurities—so I’m asking:

From a Man’s POV: 1. If you were in my husband’s position, would you feel like I’m being unfair, too critical, or unloving? 2. If you were in my position, would you be fed up too, or would you try harder to be affectionate and rebuild the relationship? 3. What would you honestly tell a man like my husband about stepping up and leading his family?

I appreciate any real, unfiltered input. I just want clarity because I feel like I’ve been gaslit into believing I’m the problem, but I also don’t want to ignore my own faults.