i’m a bad person. how do i move on?

i’m 18F and i have not kept a single friend my entire life. i’ve done horrible things and lost the trust and kindness of so many.

i told my ex i would kms if she left me and said i was going to s/h. she, rightfully so, completely cut ties with me, which she has never done to anyone in her life.

i had a relationship with a staff member working in an extracurricular of mine and lost each and every one of my friends in the process of trying to hide it. that also ruined my reputation with that whole club as well (200+ people, i was leadership so everyone knew).

i’m overly emotional and lash out over the smallest things. after losing everyone, i’ve been isolated for over a year now. i’ve had time and therapy to reflect and change, and i can definitely say that i’ve made improvements.

but i still know, deep down, i’m still the same abuser, same whore, same awful, awful friend and terrible person. i don’t know how to move on. i want to make and keep friendships, but i’m terrified of hurting them or doing something wrong and losing them.

there’s no un-awkward way for me to apologize, and it kills me knowing that no matter how sorry i am, i will never be able to undo the abuse i put the people i cared about through.

i don’t know how to move on. i don’t want to live like this any longer. i need help.