AITHA for ending my 9y relationship over him having possible depression? Should I try to save it? Im always the one saving it.

I’m a 28F, and my boyfriend is 31M. We’ve been in an on-and-off long-distance relationship for 9 years, but I moved 900 miles to be with him permanently about 6-7 months ago. (This is something he said adamantly needed to happen or we would not be able to continue our relationship. We had been physically seeing each other for about a week at a time prior to me moving here.) Since moving here, we’ve only had sex twice, both within the first couple of months. He claims the lack of sex is because we’re not ready for a baby, which I agreed with, so I bought condoms to address that concern. Since I bought them, he has purposely chosen to not stay the night a single time, which makes me feel like the pregnancy excuse was just a way to avoid intimacy altogether. On top of that, the lack of physical intimacy has caused a huge emotional disconnect for me. I tried to rationalize it by telling myself that we have found a safe system where I can playfully ask him to touch me or go down on me since he doesn’t like to be touched. Recently, I playfully asked if he could go down on me or just touch me like how he always does, but he rejected it. I was shocked because I thought we’d found a compromise that worked for us— especially since he prefers to be the one to initiate intimacy, and I’ve honored that. I asked if he was feeling depressed or if I had done something wrong, but he didn’t want to engage in that conversation. Towards the end of the conversation, I was crying. I was NOT crying because of his refusal to do the sexual act. I was very turned off by this point obviously. I was crying because of his consistent refusal to engage in any conversation about why we have a lack of intimacy, a lack of time together, or anything at all. I have told him that I think we may be sexually & emotionally incompatible and he told me that we are not. He is physically attracted to me (he gets visibly aroused at the sight of me and ejaculates when he goes down on me) .. I thought maybe depression would play some kind of role? Idk.

I moved 3 states across the country for someone who only makes time to see me for a couple of hours per week, if that. He was spending the night once a week from like 10pm-6am, but that also stopped. This relationship already felt like it was hanging by a thread, and when I started crying during this conversation, he responded in an irritated tone, asking, “What are you crying for?” and then left. A lot of times I purposely hold in tears or emotion so that I don’t make him stop engaging. The lack of intimacy and connection isn’t just about sex—it’s about effort, communication, and respect. I’ve been patient. I’ve tried to have open conversations, but they usually turn into him twisting my words or denying things he’s said or done. I’ve suggested therapy multiple times to work through this, but he refuses to go.

I feel terrible that I ended it, because I love him, and after 9 years of this on-and-off cycle, I wonder if I’m being clouded by emotion. I asked him to go to therapy for the last time, and told him that the relationship would honestly just have to end if he won’t go because I don’t see any way to salvage it and he said “might be for the best, I’m not going to therapy” .. He even stated that it doesn’t make him uncomfortable, he just doesn’t want to go. He hasn’t talked to me since I ended it. His motto is that if I want to leave, then leave because he is not fighting for someone who is leaving but he has never fought for me so. I cant move back home because I signed a contract with my employer for 4 years.

I want to start dating when I am ready, but I honestly feel numb. It feels like I don’t even exist in this reality right now & I dont know how to not see the red flags in every single person I talk to.